Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Final Stretch

This is my last Sunday night on Maternity Leave....  There's a basket of mixed emotions next to me here on the sofa.

On the one hand, I am SUPER STOKED about getting my ass out of the house.  This has been the longest I have gone without working since I have been of legal working age.  I am comfortable when I'm at work, that's the "normal" I've been missing.  I would love to say that being a stay at home mom these few months was fabulous, but it really hasn't been my cup of tea.  It was nice to have the break from the stress of work, especially when I was still pregnant.  But now I need a break from constantly having to take care of someone else.  I do feel horrible for feeling that way, but I'm just being honest.  I'm still going to be responsible for the night shift when i start back to work - it's not like he's going to magically start sleeping all night just because I have to go to work.

On the other hand, it is sad to think that I'll only see Callen for a few hours at night and on the weekends - that I'll only be involved in his parenting for these few hours a week.  I trust his daycare provider and and I trust Ryan, so I suppose this is ok.  This will be another "letting go" lesson for me - not being involved in every little decision.  I think I will be sad if I miss cute things, but Ryan promises to bring him up to my office anytime I need.

Zoloft or not, I am still depressed a little each day - I am free of the emotional breakdowns (anxiety free, not depression free) of the early weeks, but I still feel what I feel.  I am bored... I am tired of being in the house... I am tired of MY daily schedule being dictated by what Callen needs.... I am tired of not getting things done that I want done... I still want some parts of my old life back.... I can't wait for him to be independent of me a little bit.   I realize that all this may seem awful to some people, but at least I can admit it.

I am anxious about what this new change in the routine (like there really has been one) will bring.  I am worried how I will function at work with the broken sleep.  I am worried that the evenings will be rushed and crazy and that I won't have a chance to wind down.

Off I go, to my last week at home.  I will make the best of it!  OH... my birthday is this week!! Yay me! 29!!

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