Just Checkin In....

If it seems like I have been absent.. it is because I have been..
I've been in my own world of stress and no sleep...

Callen Jax is almost 5 weeks old.  I haven't posted anything meaningful for a while. I didn't want to make permanent some of the things I was thinking and feeling.  I didn't want to scare my sweet Nichole {who is about to have a son of her own}.  I thought I was crazy for the things I was thinking and feeling.

I feel like no one is completely honest {or they forget} about how awful it is to bring home a newborn. They always say, "Oh, I love being a mother!" "Oh, this is the best experience of my life."  People ask me, "Oh, how is it having a new baby?"  I've responded, "Welp, I would be lying if I didn't say it hasn't been awful."  I've gotten looks of concern, looks of understanding, and looks of curiosity.  Maybe I am out of the ordinary and this isn't a "wonderful and amazing experience" for me.  Don't get me wrong, I love this kid, he's my first born {maybe my ONLY born}, he's next in line of the "oldest DeWitt boy born to an oldest DeWitt boy," he's the perfect blend of a DeWitt/Cooksey/Rankin/King that I could ask for, he makes silly faces and silly noises.  I just haven't developed that overwhelming, motherly, internal sappy happy that I keep hearing about.  Instead, I am a sappy sad sack.

I am glad to be sharing these moments with my friend Breann from college...  see her parrot head blog here.  Although we are many miles apart {she moved to the neighborhood where I went to high school, weird...} we share middle of the night emails frequently. THANKS BREANN!  Also, the be seeking the advice of my other friends who have had babies in the last two years. THANKS KIM & COURTNEY!!

I won't go into lengthy stories and decriptions of my recent experiences, mostly because I don't feel like typing reliving it all. So here's the shorthand list:

I don't sleep much.
Maybe 2 hours at a time, if I'm lucky, once every other day.
My boobies and my nipples hurt. {tmi?.. oh well, its my blog, I can say what I want}
I don't make enough breastmilk for my hungry Callen Jax.
My head hurts.
I'm all out of the pain medicine I got from labor, which I take for headaches.
I miss my husband.
If he's home, I'm trying to nap, or shower, or get some chores done. We aren't arguing more, but we only talk about baby stuff.
I miss the outside world. I feel like a I am trapped in my house.
I went to the dentist, that was a "mommy only outing"... yay me...
I miss everyone.
But I don't have the energy or the drive to see or talk to people.
I cry when 8 o'clock hits because I know I'm about to spent the rest of the night alone in the dark.
It's lonely, working the night shift.
I'm so tired of fast food and take out food.
Didn't think I'd EVER say those words.
My son screams when he's hungry, dirty, tired, or whenever the mood strikes him.
Ryan bought earplugs. Callen's cries and screams are SO sad.
My office is so busy, I've been out for 2 months already.
All my friends and coworkers are working many overtime hours {one is VERY pregnant}, and on projects I left open... I feel guilty for not being there.

Here are my thoughts & feelings:

I have said this to many people, but out of all of the things I been through in my life - moving all around as a kid,  losing both my parents, heartbreaks, college {x2}, going out on my own as an adult, anything of the like - THIS is the most difficult and the most challenging.

I didn't realize that my personal coping mechanism for stress is manifesting a sense consistency and routine. When the going gets tough, Jessica gets organized and regimented.... to get back on track... then when things settle down, a little spontaneity and disorder is ok.  This is not possible when you come home with a new baby.  So as I am learning to be a mother, learning to "listen" to my newborn's needs, chaos ensues and I have no means to find a new foundation for myself.  This is a recipe for disaster... I just have to sit and float in it... this is not how i'm built... or not how I've learned to deal with life.

I have good days and I have bad days and I have exceptionally awful days.  Ryan is a great help... well, to say he "helps" is to say that this is all my job and he pitches in - it is better to say that he is a great Daddy and does more than I've ever seen a Baby Daddy do.  He even tried his best to level me out when I'm having a breakdown.  I could not even begin to think what this would be like without him. I could do without him playing World of Warcraft all day... but I guess we all have our vices.  He's scarified going to martial arts classes since I've been on bedrest... and always rushes home from work to be with us.

As of now, I don't have to take any medication for stress and anxiety - I have been Zanax free since undergrad... and proud to say I can cope with life on my own...  I have also been warned  by Dr. W to not hesitate to call her if it gets bad.  Call her BEFORE I attempt to drop Callen off at the fire station... {just kidding}.  After a good talk with Breann the other night {and a follow up conversation with God} I decided to take a nice sized chill pill on some issues that had been stressing me the most.  The only thing I can change is me... my mindset.... my choices. All at once, EVERYTHING about my life has changed- my house, my marriage, my daily routine, when/what I eat, my body, my finances.  Only I have the means to get myself back on track in some way - if that means me "letting go" of some things, thats what I will do.

Needless to say, I need lost of prayers, cause I don't always feel like I'm cut out for motherhood, but here I am... I am a mother... learning as I go... loving this little boy.... but at the same time having difficulty adjusting to what my new life is... I was ready to start a family with the man I love, but I guess I wasn't ready to give up {or change} the life we created.  I had just started to feel happy with myself, adjusted to my life and its circumstances.. just started to feel stable.  Which, if anyone knows me, knows that stability is the cornerstone of what makes me tick, what makes me feel safe.

I thank everyone who has come by, offered babysitting services, brought great gifts, and those who have exchanged countless emails and texts with me, and Jane for being here before, during, and after delivery - in place of my own mother.  I apologize to everyone for being a hermit, for waiting beyond the appropriate time for sending thank you notes {or if I completely forgot to send you one}, and for not sharing enough pictures of my beautiful new son.

OH.. by the way... Here's the birth announcement {some are in the mail now - others will be later, I had to order more}

CLICK FOR BIGGER IMAGE

Thanks to Sarah Bacarisse, Simply Life Creations for my custom design.

And, special mention... see in the background? Our handmade quilt, from Aunti Brittani....

Doesn't he kinda look like Charlie Brown?

Isn't that kinda like My Daddy's smile? {snif... sniff...}