Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Callen's Craptastic First Easter

It's Tuesday.  I've moved past the trauma that was the First Easter Weekend.  I'm sure that the others who shared the weekend with me don't feel the same way, but I'm me... and I was stressed and tired when I got home.

Let's just remember that Callen is just like me - with the anxiety and the change problems.  It's ok, I can deal with it.  Other people may not understand it, and think something is wrong with him.  This is not the case.

Ryan and I got all packed up for the trip to Marlin.Tx, where Ryan's grandparents live, and where the holidays are held as much as possible.   Also known as "Cell & Internet Vortex, Tx."  Not that I would have had time to blog, email, facebook or anything technological IF my phone or computer had been working correctly.

Here's the trip.  See where I marked our stops for potty breaks, diaper changes, gas, or food.
Left WFalls @ 2p - Got to Marlin @ 730p
Ok, here's an recap of the weekend.
{Family Disclaimer: This is my blog. My mind. My thoughts. If I could not speak here, I might lose my mind. No feelings are intended to be hurt. As I am sure you would say the same. If you are scared to read further, then stop here.}

Fabulous Easter Party at Kellie's - Callen.  Friday Lunch Date - Mama & Daddy.  Pick up Callen.  Change Diaper.  Get on the road.  Callen meltdown.  Surely he'll pipe down and sleep.  Nope.

{In the back of my head, I could see this weekend unfold the way it did, but I thought to myself, "Don't be a negative nancy, have faith it will be great." The back of my head was not lying.

Many potty breaks.  The child who doesn't poo decided today was the day.  Gas breaks.  Gas is $500/gal here.  Not really, but might as well.  Fight over which GPS to use - Garmin or SmartPhone. What a problem to have when many countries don't have water.  I hear Clovis, NM is headed that way.  {"Poke" for Brittani} Callen eat dinner, by spoon, in the car, after emergency stop in Meridian, Tx, at the world's oldest Brookshire's, for prunes.

No real naps.  No real meals.  Since before 2p.  It's 730p.  We walk in the door to Gr-Gma's, Callen has an F5 meltdown.  Over what you ask?  Need to poop.  Who are these people?  Where am I?  Where's my quiet time?  What happened to dinner time with Mama?  What are these smells?  {Small house, lots of people} We usually go to a quiet room and take a break with these F5's.  Didn't happen.  Everyone wants to fix a crying baby.  Ryan & I know how to fix our crying baby.  He is not an easy going baby.   He is sensitive to routine changes.  He does not do well with abrupt transitions.  I feel invisible.
Unload 80% of personal belongings into small house.  Have a team of 4 to "easy pop up" the PnP.  Tucker was a great help, by the way.  His cute little self gives me hope for the future in having a son...Could have done it alone, however.  Starving.  Ryan eats while I do stuff.  WTF?!?  Something about being with Gma, Mom, Aunts, & Cousins brings out the little boy in grown men.
Still no naps for Callen.  The time between here and when Sat morning starts is a blur.  Callen woke up every 2hrs +/-.

{Let's take a break from the reading}

Just hangin' out with the Peeps, Keepin' Austin Weird.
Shirt from Aunt T.K.
Wakeup Sat.
Need Coffee.  Need shower {hadn't showered since Thursday morning.  Don't judge.  I have a baby.}  Need to feed child.  People everywhere.  No room to breathe.  There's talk of going places as a family this day.  No times discussed.  Have I mentioned that I don't "go with the flow" well, especially when I'm out of my environment and routine?  The rest of the morning is also a blur as I try to caffeinate myself, take care of my child, and be "one" with the family.

Next thing I know, it's time to leave.  What?  Where?  Now?  Do I have time to get ready, or right now, now?   NOW.
Have I brushed my teeth?  No. Have I finished my coffee?  No.  Not showered, thats for sure.  Callen has not napped.  Callen has not eaten.  He is refusing to eat a full meal or bottle, out of stress I'm sure.  I tell Ryan that I feel invisible, that I don't feel like he is protecting our needs.  Isn't it ok to be selfish, when you have a child to think of?  I know this statement must be a blow to his "Daddyhood" but, I must speak my mind.  I told him that it might just be best if Callen & I stay behind.  Nope.  Must be "one" with the family.  Ok.  I tell him, "We will pay for this later."  And we did.  Siren sounded for the F5 Meltdown.
Visit some family next town over.  Callen has not napped.  Callen has not eaten.  Head back to Gr-Gma's. Talks of dinner preparation and Easter lunch for the next day.  I'm pretty sure, for each holiday, I ask what I can bring, what I can make.  Each time, the answer is 'nothing'.  But every time, I am the only one who hasn't brought something, isn't cooking anything, or isn't doing anything to help.  I feel invisible.  First reason {read on for #2} why I feel like a crappy wife/mom.

A true southern girl doesn't show up empty handed, and always offers to help - so I feel like my southern sensibilities are being questioned.  Let's not forget that a true southern lady can get bat-ass crazy, when needed, also {keep reading}.  I read this somewhere "To be a southern lady is to carry even your misfortune with style and grace."  Amen Ouiser.  {side note:  I've been spelling this Weeza. What a goob.} 
The rest of this night is also a blur.  All the way to 10 o'clock, when my son finally went to sleep.  Good thing I brought my Bella's Blush from the Wichita Falls Winery. {shamless plug?} 

{Let's take another break from the reading}

Having some Toes for Snack.

Sunday. Easter.
Now this day - NOT a blur.  Callen slept - thank GOODNESS.  Wake up.  Need coffee.  Need shower {yes, still.} Making coffee.  What do I hear?  Is that Easter basket un-wrapping going on?   YES!  Are Ryan or I in there?   NO!   This is MY child, right?  I thought so. 
Second reason I feel like a crappy wife/mother:  There's no Easter basket from me.  Ryan told me not to get one, because he was too young to know. I agreed. I regret it. 
I can't just be mad at them for us not having good First Easter, because I feel awful for not having stuff for him, also.  But, they could have waited.  I didn't even get a chance to put on his Easter shirt or get my camera out before they started in with the festivities.  I have no pictures of Ryan, Callen & I on our first Easter together, lookin' all cute and family like. 

Emotional Recap:
Tired. Overwhelmed. Out of place. Invisible. Vulnerable.

Verbal Beating:
I am tired of being his "nice quiet wife."  I am nice. I am not quiet.  I voice my opinion.  If he couldn't protect us when we were vulnerable, and risk the upset with the other women in his life, I was gonna have go all Steel Magnolias on someone.
He loves me for it. Callen with thank me for it.
We should have had a plan.  We should have kept to his routine.  Our child.  Our way.  First Holidays will be at my house or with us first.  To avoid me having to go bat-ass crazy and hurting feelings. 

I apologized to Ryan for being so harsh with him, but that I still felt disrespected as the Mama and invisible in the family. 

Maybe I like my own family more than I thought? Maybe I should learn to talk to Ryan's family about our need better? Without worrying if I will come across selfish and bitchy? {My Daddy called it 'sassy.'   Let's go with that} I plan on recreating the event this weekend, and having my own fun. 

Hope I don't get hate mail from this......

PS - My counselor says that these are perfectly normal new Mama thoughts. So there.


  1. 100 bazillion percent agree - you need to do what is best for CALLEN. DO NOT WORRY about what others will think about it. Put your foot down, take him in the other room and shut and LOCK the door. Set boundaries right away. They may get all mad about it but you know what? You are the mom. You know that baby.
    I am so so sorry this happened. I know it also took a lot for you to keep your mouth shut and sit there uncomfortable.
    Call dibs on the next "holiday" (the 4th?) It's family time.

  2. I totally agree with you, and Breann! I was all tip toes and don't hurt anyones feelings before baby... but baby comes FIRST! I had a couple weekends that sounds pretty similar with my OWN family at the beginning. It gets better, I promise. Although, E's nap was delayed a few hours for the sake of her older cousins, Gp's and Gr-Gp's on Sunday... I totally regret it.
    Hang in there girl!